NP®
A sunny yellow tiled powder room with a white toilet, tropical plant, and disco ball

Est. behind a locked door · Population 1

NobodyPoops.

But you.

A very serious publication
for a party of one.

Shop
privately↘

Issue № 001
The Sole Offender Edition

01 The gift shop

Exit through
the gift shop.

Souvenirs from establishments that do not exist, on hats that very much do. Three hats. That is the whole shop.

Black foam trucker hat with white script “Fulano’s” and red “Open 24 Hours a Year”

NP-001 / DINER

Fulano’s

“Open 24 hours a year.” Nobody knows which 24.

Foam trucker · Rope · Snapback
Take it home →
Man wearing a black trucker hat reading “Chinatown — grissini Chinese and Italian cuisine” in red

NP-002 / RESTAURANT

Chinatown

Grissini Chinese and Italian cuisine. Reservations not accepted, or possible.

Foam trucker · Rope · Snapback
Take it home →
Black foam trucker hat with green script “O’Hurley’s Leucadia” and a shamrock

NP-003 / PUB

O’Hurley’s

Leucadia’s finest pub. Last call was never.

Foam trucker · Rope · Snapback
Take it home →

Aisle 2 · Occupied

Supplies for
other people.

Nobody here needs any of this. As a public service, we’ve noted what other people apparently buy. Links go to Amazon.

Two people in neighboring bathroom stalls; one passes a roll of toilet paper under the divider.

    As an Amazon Associate, Nobody Poops earns from qualifying purchases. Fulano’s, Chinatown, and O’Hurley’s are fictional establishments.

    02 The uncomfortable truth

    We all disappear
    for “a minute.”

    But you are 100% the only person pooping during that minute. Everyone else is doing something considerably more productive. We are here to help.

    Nobody Poops is an independent publication for the one person who does. We ask no questions. We sell hats.

    We also keep a small shelf of products for the situation you insist you do not have. It is at the top of this page, where nobody will see you looking at it.

    03 If you absolutely must go

    If you absolutely
    must go, here’s what
    you need to know.

    Field notes from the world’s least qualified bathroom correspondents. Read them in there. Nobody will know.

    01 / SOUND

    The courtesy flush

    A classic. Wasteful? Maybe. Effective? We’re not here to judge.

    02 / TIMING

    The 11-minute rule

    Short enough to avoid a search party. Long enough to finish the article.

    03 / EXIT

    Leave no trace

    Fan on. Seat down. Alibi ready. Re-enter society with quiet confidence.

    04 By the numbers
    0%

    of other people poop.
    Worldwide sample. Nobody came forward.

    0%

    of you does.
    Every time. We checked twice.

    0 

    person in here has a problem
    and it isn’t us.

    05 What they were actually doing

    “

    Rebalancing the shower head. It had drifted four degrees off true.

    … totally not pooping.

    Their words. Our records.